highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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