I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize