my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
