Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
