I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
