If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
