I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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