i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
