My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
