Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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