If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Too much gin, very little bucket
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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