3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
