since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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