The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
