Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
