that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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