went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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