I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
