allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
