hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
