franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
