he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize