Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
