I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
