Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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