walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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