forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's blow job season.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
