i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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