Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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