im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
