I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
