be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
