Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
false alarm. still invincible.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
