My hand turned me down
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize