I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
