He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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