i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
