I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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