hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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