It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
