I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
