I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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