Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize