I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need a beard to bite.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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