it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize