As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize