every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
