I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
