I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
