i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
