I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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