when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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