A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
