Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Can Purell be used as lube?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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