Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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