Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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