I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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