If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
