My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
