While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize